Your heart has been softened that you may not disqualify me, my angel.
God has sent you to me with imperfections, with pain, but indeed you were sent from God.
I have not shared a kiss with a woman on this earth. I have not given any a piece of me that belongs to God-You-Me, as one.
A kiss.
My lips have not touched another’s but I will not say that the words that come from them have not touched the hearts of many.
They passed me by but you have granted me grace. For I didn’t look, sound, or feel like the one they wanted.
Nor did I find my way into your liking at first glance. But your heart has shifted.
Our marriage didn’t start at the alter, but when we both were given the breath of life.
That is where our vows began. And I kept them. I believed in you as you did with me.
Thank you.
Just wanted to do a quick post.
While I was reading my Bible last night, I let my computer go through a file deletion process to free up space. I came across 3 hard drive backup folders that my computer must’ve created over time that were taking up the majority of my memory. I decided to get rid of them because I had nothing of value on this computer. Minutes pass and suddenly I heard an error noise. Apparently there was something my computer didn’t want to delete so it stopped the whole process. As I navigated through the backup folders to see what it was, I came across some familiar looking folder names. Folders I created years ago and had forgotten. I found a few folders that contained pictures that I saved. Inside one of them was the only picture I kept from my whole high school student tenure.
I went to several high schools because of depression and the affects of it. I kept mostly to myself and didn’t get involved with extra-curricular activities. I stayed away from cafeterias and auditorium sessions because I didn’t want to be around people. I even caught the bus in desolate places to avoid the kids that used to taunt me on the street. I didn’t take any pictures with the people I befriended in school or outside of school. I let my depression take control of my life and starting cutting at age 15. I went from fat to being very underweight due to over exercising and starving myself, sometimes eating just one sandwich per day. My cystic acne made me embarrassed to even be seen because my face would spontaneously bleed and the scars and bumps looked bad. This has to be one of the rarest pictures of me.
By the time I took this pic, much of my depression was dormant. It was during the last month of my senior year in high school in May 2006. My acne had mostly cleared up after years of taking the controversial drug Accutane. I weighed about 155 pounds, the highest I had ever been in my life to date. It was after the only dance I had went to all throughout high school; the senior prom. I went alone but I wasn’t bothered too much by it. I was playing at my last high school band concert.
I boldly stand now with a renewed spirit in Christ that will never be put in the hands of man again. 2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
God really showed me, haha. He really, really showed me. From 11 years old until about age 20, my dream was to become a successful, renowned music producer. I had everything going in my favor. Over the years I accumulated major placements, dozens of opportunities, countless connections, and magazine articles. I had this narrow focus going on with my vision to become a great hip-hop, pop, and r&b producer. All of these accomplishments and opportunities just made my vision go from narrow to laser-pointed. They were like, affirmations, I guess you could say. Cosigns from God, if you will, of Him telling me, “Yea, you’re correct DJ. You’re gonna be producing for plenty artists in the industry. Ooooh how wrong I was; well kinda.
Ok, let’s rewind. Let’s go back to when I was under the age of 11. My grandma was still alive. She stayed 3 doors down the street from the apartment complex I stayed at. I would walk there everyday before school to eat breakfast. Just before leaving out the door to go to school, she would have me recite scriptures and say a prayer. Sometimes after school, I would go back to her house and we would read passages out of my pre-teen Bible study books. I didn’t have cable tv, only had one friend that I hung with at my house, and most of solitary moments were spent playing around on my keyboard (this was before I started making hip-hop beats). The only radio I heard was from riding with my mom and aunts, listening to the local gospel station. I rarely heard hip-hop. That was only when I rode with my older cousins.
I was basically in my own little world. Sheltered: protected from many things. Then middle school came. I was now in a different world. The kids cussed a lot more. Across the field during recess, I could see kids engaging in activities that would sometimes lead to sexual games. I was starting to see myself as fat and ugly based off the things they would say to me. They considered me geeky. I wanted to change myself in order to belong. I adopted this new way of thinking and gradually dropped my grandma‘s teachings. I started listening to new kinds of music. My grandma got cable tv at her house so I started watching new shows. I was indulging in all these new things because it was taboo. It was stuff either my family forbid me to see or shows that my peers looked at. I looked at them too in order to fit in. Yep, didn’t seem like none of these new things were hurting me. Always thought my feet were pretty much so grounded with God that I couldn’t fall.
Jumping to my teen years.
I’ve been to a club just once in my life. I only went to one house party also. The atmosphere was just the same. People vulgarly dancing on each other, spreading lustful ideas to their partner or to all of those that were watching. There were those who were indulging in drinks until it left themselves free of any care in the world. Some would just drink to give themselves an excuse to act even more inappropriately. There may be some drug use here and there. The type of music they played advocated erotic behavior, belligerence, bigotry toward their fellow man, objectified women, and overall, opposed the teachings of what is right. You even have much violence surrounded by these clubs. They were popping up everywhere and targeting the youth. Its gotten to the point where the people are inviting each other to attend through flyers that emit lustful images of women. And the women are whole-heartedly allowing themselves to be used as a tool. And they have the KIDS making them, smh. They have teams set up where they have provocatively dressed models to lure folks in using lust. Artists and promoters go there to achieve fame , glory, and money; putting their own word and desires before God. In what way can any of this bring us closer to God? Huh? Anything that hinders your walk with God should no longer be part in your life. You need to learn balance and moderation. You need to learn what is the true intentions of the people you‘re working with, the artists you‘re listening to, etc. Just because they say that they want to help people, doesn’t mean they really are. A lot of our leaders are misguided and are actually hurting the people with their actions. You have those that are affiliated with all of this just because they want to feel like they belong. The saddest part is when those same ones start making excuses for themselves to continue on, leading upon their own understanding and comfort. And its all surrounded by music. Music was the beat, the beat was the pulse, and the club was the heart that contained the pulse. Where does your heart stand when you’re feeding it all these things? I hope its not like the club. Is it full of lust, self ambition, money, desire for attention, or wanting to belong? Look deeper into yourself, kid. If we love our neighbor, it is our responsibility to not cause them to sin: From the clothing you wear in front of others, ideas you express to others, and a numerous amount of other things. I definitely didn’t see all of this coming just by associating myself in the culture. I had to stop myself before I would start to fall down that wrong path. Believe me, sometimes you’ll see yourself sinking into something before you can even catch it coming.
I made a choice to hide myself. I made a choice to give up what I aspired because I realized how detrimental it was. I’m so glad to see that God gave me that early success in music just in order for me to gain the connections for working in television (That’s another blog post). There’s a problem when I turn just once every few months to 106 & Park and see the whole crowd of kids cussing with the lyrics of the performer and the adults just sitting back, smiling, and encouraging the energy. Our world has a problem when we can look at something like that, daily, with apathy. I can’t allow myself to be associated with a culture that instills negative values in the kids today. This is the very reason why I separated myself & made myself unattainable to many people. I was fed up with seeing this cycle in our community. First, you have the kids that fall victim to the impoverishment of Blacks through songs that glorify stupidity, drugs, sex, bigotry, etc. They fall in love with these songs & fail to see that the music does indeed govern their way of thinking. Second, you have those who remain apathetic, indifferent, or impartial to those who are actually worthy of support. And I'm so tired of seeing women (and men) sell sex.....all.....the.....time. Especially when so many young people have porn addictions. But what do they do?: continue watching the sex being sold to them, feeding their appetite. And for some, that addiction even perpetuates itself into the ways the addict expresses themselves. They will talk more sexually, act more sexually, create sexual music, literature, etc. (I wasn’t into porn that much but masturbation was my weakness. But that’s another blog post too). Its horrible when I see the affect it has on younger girls trying to mimic this with vulgar pics on Facebook, presenting themselves in a negative light in society, and carrying themselves the way they were taught in these demoralizing lyrics.
When I look at all this, it just takes me back to middle school recess. Standing by the fence, alone, watching the kids play. My grandma is no longer alive, but I’m gradually reverting back to the things that she taught me. I’m going back to my roots.
Matthew 15:13-14 - He (Jesus) replied, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be pulled up by the roots. Leave them; they are blind guides. If a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit.”
Don’t be afraid to go back to your roots. I know a lot of us were brought up the same.
Jeremiah 17:7-8 - But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord; whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it’s leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
Let’s jump all the way back to December 31, 2009. Earlier that year I reconnected with an old friend and ultimately we started to hang out again. We were celebrating the coming of a new year along with one of his other buds. I was invited to hit up a casino that they usually go to. No gambling, just mingling with the folks around the main bar.
I met this old friend during our freshman year in college back in 2006. We would play pool in the dorms and play video games at his apartment on campus. Toward the end of our first semester, he started going to the hospital a lot. One of the times he came back, he told me that he received a blood transfusion. This was very shocking news to me but common to him. He had sickle-cell disease. With more hospital visits, he missed more class and wound up dropping out before the second semester. It was sad to hear that he dealt with this disease all of his life. It kept him from keeping a job, going to school, having a normal social life, and God knows what else.
I lost contact with him after December of 2006 but reconnected somehow in the Spring of 2009. I fail to remember how we reconnected but indeed we did. 2009 was a hard year for me. Around the time my college bud and I met up again was during a time when God was replenishing my soul. I attended a church event with another friend I met in 2009 and the main sermon was about emptying out “tainted water” so that our “cup would be filled new.” Church folk know what I’m talking about, haha. Little did I know, God was doing just that with me. I was so caught up in grief and despair that I was blind of the whole process. That’s also another story so look out for another blog post.
When my old college bud and I reconnected, I started to go over to his house. He stayed with his mother and sisters. He had a desolate room in the basement. When I walked in for the first time, I saw many open books on his bed. His room was surrounded with literature but his book of choice was the Bible. I discovered he was very knowledgeable of the Bible also. And when I say knowledgeable, I’m talking almost scholarly. Well that’s just my opinion. I know his faith in God has kept him grounded because one can easily fall from their walk with God if they’ve been through an ongoing battle with a disease. I learned a lot through conversations with him. Time spent around him got me back to reading the Bible and helped renew my spark in the Word.
Now let’s jump forward to December of 2009 again. The New Year’s celebration went well. It was the first time I celebrated without being at a church or at home. The atmosphere was bananas. Balloons were dropping from the ceiling, music was blasting, and people were dancing in the aisles. We decided to stay after midnight to mingle a while longer. I got a phone call at 3am.
It was my mom. She was slightly distraught. Her first words were of her explaining that she was alright. See, my mom was caught in the middle of a high speed chase. She was leaving her church’s new year’s service when a fleeing car sped through an intersection and hit her car. After the car had flipped a number of times, the chase was at an end. Dozens of police surrounded the scene with their guns drawn but there was no need of that. Firefighters used the Jaws of Life to dismantle the totaled car and pull out the culprits. My older cousin, who was also inside my mom‘s car, said she saw tarps pulled out for the bodies but wasn’t totally sure. Her mind, as well as my mother’s, was still overwrought from stress. Also, if it wasn't for my mom's car being in that exact spot, dozens of people exiting the church could have been hit my the fleeing car. The car was heading straight toward the exit. See how God used a tragedy to save more lives? To this day, my mom and cousin have not been paid for damages nor has their been a court case. Obviously, there is something deeper about this whole situation that my family is being kept in the dark about. I’m just glad they were able to come home without a scratch.
In later 2010, my dad was found a bloody mess in the middle of the street but that’s also another story. He still alive…he’s still alive, don’t worry. I’m gonna get to that story later.
Its by God’s grace that my family is alive and doing well. I’m glad that my old college bud is alive and that he was brought back in my life. I didn’t have anyone to hang with. Not only did I gain a companion, he was also a vessel that helped me get closer with God. I thought I’d never see him again but he came back in my life more important than ever. You truly never know the purpose of someone when you first meet them. And most importantly, I am alive. One thing did die in 2010. That was my old spirit.
Picture a 3 story apartment complex, an old rusty fire escape ladder, and a guy. Now picture a guy hanging from an old rusty fire escape ladder at the top of a 3 story building at 4am. I bet you’re thinking that this person is either a thief or someone trying to escape to save their life. We’ll you’re wrong. I was neither of those. Yes, I said “I.”
Its July, 2010. My friend and I had a night of video games and movies at my house. After our fun, I drove her back to her home at 3am. She lived in an apartment complex, if you haven’t figured by now. The front entrance was locked and she forgot her key. We spent an hour calling her roommates that she knew were probably in the building at that time. Nobody answered. She had a fallout with her neighbors after several noise complaints over her 2 months of living in the building. With none of her roommates answering and being on the bad side with her neighbors, calling the complex owners was a last resort. It was a last resort because it would cost her $50 to get a replacement key for the night and she was already behind on bills due to lack of funds and not having a job. She claimed that this scenario happened before and she once resorted to climbing up the fire escape ladder to get into her apartment through her window. To this day, I don’t know if she was serious when she told me that story.
Well here I am, thinking I’m a superhero or something, offering my services to climb up the ladder to get into her room and walk downstairs to unlock the front entrance for her. Oh yea, keep in mind I said “walk downstairs.” This girl stayed at the very top of the building. Now, for those who are close to me, they know that I have a fear of heights. She didn’t know. She wasn’t close to me. I just met her a week ago.
Pause. Stop! Rewind! Eject!!
What in the very southernmost, hottest, darkest, corner of Hades would possess me to jump to great heights (in my case, climb) to do something like this for someone I just met?
I hadn’t even memorized her last name yet. I can tell you exactly what possessed me to do something like this.
Throughout years of loneliness and self-hate, I created a void in my life. Many times I thought that void could be filled by the companionship of others., especially since I was an only child. To keep a friend or after the thought of me losing a friend, I would go to great lengths to maintain the relationship. I would do things like put myself to the side (physically and unknowingly spiritually) just to keep them happy. And I was always giving, giving, and giving. I didn’t want to see them go away because I only had a couple people that I would call friends come into my life. But they would always depart eventually. We’d either grow apart from each other or move elsewhere. I first had this problem of loneliness during my late preteen and early teenage years. It remained dormant mostly through my late high school and early college years, but it came back with a vengeance by the time I hit 21. When I say “with a vengeance,” I mean panic attacks, depression, and hospital visits. I would cry and shake uncontrollably. But that’s another, more in-depth blog post. Now back to this ladder.
I walk up to the ladder. Its about 10 feet off the ground. I had to jump into the wall beside it and propel myself upward in order to grab it. My legs are dangling, spider webs all in my face, my hands are hurting from the impact of grabbing unto the rusted iron surface of the ladder, and my friend is watching safely in the distance. I pulled myself up 4 steps before I could even get my feet on the ladder. I now start climbing with a little more ease but my fear of heights is starting to kick in. Talk about the amount of sweat that was streaming down my face, whew! I climb some more and I get to a point where that ladder ends. Now what I have to do is shimmy across a balcony to get to the other side where another ladder allows me to go higher. Now at this point, my fear of heights was starting to fade because the fear of losing my life was much greater. Who knows how unstable that rusty ladder could have been! And let me tell ya, all that James Bond type stuff you see in the movies is not that easy in real life. I was pulling myself up with all my might and I’m definitely glad that wind wasn’t a big factor.
So I make it to the top just to find out that the window is locked. All that for nothing? Heck no, I ripped the screen open. Yep, yep. I climbed in through the screen, walked down the few flights of stairs, and unlocked the front door entrance for my friend.
Have you obtained something and went to great lengths just to keep it? Then, you find out in the long run that the thing you obtained was not worth going great lengths for? This could be a job, an object of desire, an achievement, or anything. I bet you probably have but you didn’t go as far extreme as I did to keep it. I was doing all of this to fill a void. A void that should’ve been filled with the Holy Spirit and not my own pleasure. I felt that I was going through a never-ending cycle of losing people. I didn’t put my faith in God that He would bring me through a storm that plagued me throughout the majority of my life so far. I brought this despair upon myself for not trusting in Him. Have you ever thought of your own resolutions to problems instead of seeking the Word of God? I thought that this night would be the pivotal moment in my life that I could redeem myself from what I called a failed childhood. I took a greater leap up this ladder than any leap I’ve ever taken toward God. SMH.
I felt low and ashamed the more I thought of that night. I knew it was time to start turning my life around. And you know what the funny thing is? You’re gonna love this, watch. She got pregnant within a week later by some guy.
