Self-Harm; story of a cutter (my story on KeepUpBella.blogspot.com)

Depression is hard to live with. But so is self-loathe. So what happens when depression+ self-loathe turns into self-harm?

For D.J Preston,

this nightmare was real. He's been kind enough to share his story with me and all of you blogsters out there.

*Me "Do tell me how life was treating you?"

*D.J Preston-"I’m 22 years old now and its been 7 years since I’ve put a knife to my arm. Its been seven years since the blood that trickled down my arm competed with the blood that flowed down my face. It was like all of my emotions were being poured out with my blood because I didn’t know how to release them any other way. I had cystic acne. My face would spontaneously bleed. The scars on my left arm were just as great as the ones that were on my face. I was put on a controversial drug called Accutane in 2004, when I was 14. This was to cure me of my cystic acne. I signed this waiver and was given large doses of the drug. This was the first time I heard of any drug coming with a small booklet of side effects. Printed around the pill bottle and booklet was a warning about death being the number one side effect. The dermatologist never said anything about it out loud. I think she was more enthused about making a sale because the drug was very expensive. Apparently, the drug was known to cause a chemical imbalance in the brain. The booklet that came with the drug said that some users became depressed and ultimately committed suicide while using it. I didn’t care. I wanted to be cured. Seeing scars and blood streaming down my face was a horrific sight to me and it was getting difficult to hide it from others. I felt like a monster. I knew I was already depressed by the time I took the drug, but to this day, I’m not sure if the drug sent me beyond the depression I already had and made me start cutting. How people bullied me in my preteen years and how I couldn’t connect with people well made me feel alone. The fact that I would go home to an empty house everyday didn’t help either. It did however make cutting much easier for me to do. I was one of those people that had an imaginary friend for a while. I used my imagination a lot to keep myself occupied because I didn’t have cable tv, internet, nor many video games. It was actually quite fun at times though. In the midst of a lot of solitary time, I started to develop a different way of thinking. I thought of ways to change myself so I could be accepted by others. I was overweight so I figured by losing weight, people would like me more. I went to great lengths to drop the pounds. On some days, I would just eat one thing: a sandwich. Some days I wouldn’t eat anything at all. I’d exercise at least twice a day for a few hours. The consequences of doing this made me have very dark circles around my eyes, long periods of drowsiness, and I’d have the most horrible headaches for weeks at a time. The headaches were so bad that it was hard to walk or open one of my eyes. My body ached all the time but my stomach was the worst. Every blue moon, I would get this excruciating pain in my stomach that would come about every 30 seconds. This would last for over a week then it would go away. This has happened about 3 times in my life so far. I started going to a military academy by age 11. The environment became so stressful to me that I would only sleep just for a few hours. Before going off to class on some mornings I would stare out of my window before sunrise. It was just something great about staring at the peaceful clouds scattered across the dark blue sky. I wished I had peace like that. This is when I was starting to love nature. Being outside in solitude brought me comfort because I could feel God’s presence. Its hard to explain but once I was engulfed in sunshine, I didn’t feel alone anymore.

 

During the ages of 12, 13, and 14, I became very skinny. But the over-exercising didn’t stop there. I did make a few friends during those years but we departed for various reasons. They’d either grow apart from me or relocate. I started to have anxiety attacks for the first time at 14 and that’s when the cutting began. The first few times I was afraid to do it. The very first time I saw blood come out of my arms was scary. I didn’t know if it was going to stop bleeding. It eventually did. As time passed, cutting became easier to do. Instead of slowly digging into my arm, I’d slash it fast and didn’t care where on my arm that I had cut. I began experimenting with cutting around my wrist a couple times. I didn’t want to die. I did it for a rush, something new. I had a dozen scars on the inner part of my left arm. Since I didn’t hang around people much, was an only child, and my mom was gone a lot, nobody ever saw the scars. I’m grateful now that I never struck a nerve or caught an infection. I used a long kitchen knife. I never even thought about the types of bacteria that could’ve been on the blade. It was definitely a knife for cutting raw meat. People knew something was bothering me deep within. My eyes always told my story. There would either be a long-lasting scowl on my face or a frown. I never noticed it but others would always point it out. Maybe when I saw myself in the mirror I would get more self-conscious and would immediately straighten my face. Who knows? I just never saw myself like that. Although I hardly looked in mirrors either because I hated the way I looked. For instance, after washing my face, I would instantly sink my face in the towel because I didn’t want to look into the mirror right in front of me. Sometimes I’d see blood on the towel. I didn’t take pictures or appear in videos. I have little captured memories of my teenage years. Tired from the stress of going to a military oriented school, I convinced my mom to get me transferred to a regular school by my sophomore year. One day I decided to bring my knife to school. I hid it deep within one of my binders that were inside of my book bag. I was confident that the security guard wouldn’t find it while checking my things because she’d normally move along fast to get to all of the rushing morning entrants. I kept the knife in my book bag throughout my classes. During lunch, I went to my usual spot: the balcony on the second floor. I’d sit there alone and reflect on things while staring out of the window. On this particular day, my friend Tab decided to join me sitting there. After talking briefly, I got the courage to show her the scars on my left arm that were hidden beneath my long sleeve shirt. She immediately stood on her feet and cried out to God. I was very surprised by her reaction because I never saw that side of her before. She wasn’t a religious person. Tab asked me if I had the knife with me. I showed it to her and she broke down. When the school day was over and everyone was heading out the building, I saw a small group standing at the exit door. It was my friend Tab, my 3 other friends that I met through her, and a faculty member. The faculty member was actually the school counselor whom I never met before. She escorted me into her office. I saw the sad faces of my 4 friends before she closed the door. When I sat down she questioned me about having a knife. I hesitated to reveal it because I knew bringing a knife of that caliber would result in an expulsion. After staring at the floor for a while, I got the guts to answer truthfully. She replied saying that she already knew. I realized that my friends gave her my story. I thought that from this point the course of our convo would be about what legal consequences were ahead of me, but instead, she gave me advice about depression. The counselor talked about how her daughter was taking anti-depressants and was seeking therapy. She wanted me to do the same. I never did because I didn’t believe pills or therapy sessions could cure me. I instead suppressed my feelings because the things I were doing and ways I were feeling weren’t brought up much in the Black community. I didn’t want to feel like I was even more of an outsider by speaking about them. As of matter of fact, I would even hear people laugh about such techniques to cure depression. Another reason why I kept quiet was because when I researched everything I was going through on the internet, there was nothing but stories of White females. It was embarrassing and emasculating because I knew people would judge me harshly from this. Its like the whole world saw these issues based on one demographic. A Black dude from the hood had to have been the most unlikely person to go through these things. This would be my first and last meeting with the counselor. I’ve always had a high GPA in schools until I sank into sorrow. I nearly had straight As every year. This new school put me out after flunking all of my classes except two. I was kept from auditorium sessions and field trips for having several Fs at this school. Others that had low grades like me were put in a room toward the back of the school. I used this time to do work, draw, write poetry, and write stories. I actually enjoyed it because it reminded me of the things I used to do as a small child. Only one other high school in my region accepted me after my poor grades. After transferring, my depression became dormant. I stopped cutting by age 16. I ended up graduating high school on time by going to multiple other places for night school and summer school. This was to make up for my failed classes. I still kept to myself. I spent my lunches at the library or in the band room. I never wanted to go the cafeteria because I didn’t like being around large groups. I figured the more people I was around, the more likely it would be for me to run into ridicule. This mindframe would eventually lead me to avoiding large groups of people wherever I went. At church, I became an usher so I wouldn’t have to be part of the congregation. I knew that the same type of people I dealt with at school were also in the church. I eventually worked in the sound booth by myself so I could be in total isolation. After a year from doing that, I stopped going altogether. My church became very divided anyway after scandal and our pastor left. I remember attending a church meeting and it was sad to see the people arguing back and forth like madmen. I lost the foundation I had as a child.

 

After all the bullying, exclusion, & people departing from me, I wanted to be accepted again. When the cutting stopped, the mentality of self harm only manifested in other things. I no longer knew how to channel my anger so anxiety attacks began again at age 20. It was mostly at home. I found myself shaking very hard, jumping out of my seat in anger, having dozens of thoughts per second, and many sleepless nights to say the least. To be accepted, I would give more than I would normally give and be of service to people more than I would do for myself. My final breaking point was when I found myself hanging on a 3 story apartment complex rooftop, on a fire escape ladder, trying to break in a friends apartment to get her back inside. I could’ve died. This was a prime example of the risks I would take to for people to like me. There’s way more to the story on my own blog. Cutting was something I did to channel my anger: mostly the angry feelings I had toward myself. I let the words and actions from others make me hate myself. I hated the way I thought. I hated the way I looked. I hated how I had very little common with the people around me. And they taunted me because of it. The taunting wasn’t just from people I was forced to associate with at school, it was also from strangers at other public places. At 21, I finally went to a doctor about it and he said I had ADHD. He gave me months worth of capsules of Straterra. This time I didn’t take the medication because I knew my bond with God was strong enough to get me through my situation. And indeed it did prevail. Accutane was pulled from the market in 2009. It was removed because of the amount of money they were having to spend to defend themselves from claims that Accutane caused patients to develop Crohn‘s Disease. There is speculation that Roche removed Accutane because they feared new studies would show a causal relationship between Accutane and depression/suicide. Different law firms have created commercials reach those who want to place a lawsuit against the company.

 

This was my past and I’ve changed my life around at 22 by getting to know God better. He is truly all that I need. I know that there are people that will still judge me to this day because of everything I’ve done. Some of the same people that tell me to leave it in the past often bring up my past and use it against me. To this day, I still get judged by the way I look. Its not so much in the context of beauty, but in the context of how I don’t look like the person they expect to see based on my character and experiences. I’m used to it now. All of my arm scars have cleared and most of the scars on my face are gone. No pictures, no videos. What I have left is memories in my head that I want to tell my story with. I want to tell my story so that those who are like me will know that they’re not alone."

*Me-"Wow...that is, so deep. Made me teary eyed.

Well, you've definitely been through a lot! And I'm terribly sorry that you've had to go through it all. But, I have a question if I may ask. You're mother, did she ever notice anything? Try and comfort you? And, what about ur father? Was he ever in the picture?"

*D. J Preston- "My mom almost found out when she saw part of my arm one day. I told her it was from accidentally scratching my arm up on a fence. I revealed the truth to her just two weeks ago though. I think she's still letting the idea settle in her head but she took it well. My dad was an alcoholic and used to hit my mom. They split when I was 5."

*Me-"Oh dear.

I'm sorry...What about your friends? Did they ever notice anything else? Like, did they ever confront you again?"

*D. J Preston-"Its ok. Once I left the school that put me out, my buds and I grew apart. They probably questioned me a few more times but I can't remember since it was so long ago. I ran into Tab a few times since then, but we never talk about anything that happened sophomore year. I think its kinda embarrassing for both of us."

*Me-"Well, also shocking.

And ur life now, how has life been treating you now?"

*D. J Preston-"Thanks for asking! :) Life has been good. I still struggle with loneliness and irrelevance sometimes but its nothing like it used to be. It helps when I talk to God or go out on my own. I started taking myself out to dinner and going to different events. I'm finishing up college and looking forward to do some traveling."

*Me-"That sounds good

Is there anything you'd like the readers to know?"

*D. J Preston-" Yes. I believe everything happens for a reason. You wont have a testimony if you don't first go through the test. You wont have a message if you first don't go through the mess. I believe my hurt and pain helped me not become a product of my environment. I look at some of the people that bullied and taunted me and today they are a mess. Its ironic because they have so many issues and problems. Also, a great amount of the time I was alone I fell in love with composing songs. I've had opportunities to work with Disney on the Hannah Montana series, Spike TV, and I'm currently a composer for the NBA (National Basketball Association). I do music for their website and commercials. I just scored my first independent film last month. I wouldn't have met all the great people and obtain these jobs if I didn't go through the pain of my childhood. "

*Me-"That sounds so great. Your becoming famously known.

The film, what's the name of it?"

*D. J Preston-"Thank you. Its called The Swing Set. Its not a big release but I know one day I'll work my way up to that level of film. I'm not all about fame though. If the fame comes, I want people to just be inspired by my story. I'm never a braggart and into much self-indulgence. I even got rid of my website that I started, my MySpace, and my Facebook fan page. I can't take credit for anything that God has done for me. God will send for the right people to hear my message. I don't have to become a product of pop-culture to do so but if that's His plan, I'm down for it. I just want to live my life how anyone else would. Eventually I will have a more stable career, a new home, a wife, children, and a garden. Gotta have the garden. I love nature haha."

*Me-"Aw, that's so sweet.

Sounds like you have a good life now. After all you've went through, you deserve it.

Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

*D. J Preston-"Yes. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be part of your blog!"

*Me- "Well, actually thank YOU for sharing such a deep, moving story. I wouldn't be able to share mine without freaking out.

So thank you, means a lot to me and my readers."--

D. J Preston has been through hell and back. But with the help of God, managed to find the light within the dark. I don't think I've ever read or heard a story such as this one. A story that ends with the help of God. It's a true miracle and shows proof that all is possible, with the help of God Himself.

If you or anyone you know self-harms, is depressed, or thinking about suicide, I urge you to PLEASE either contact your local hospital, call 911, or contact the suicide prevention hotline.

Self-Injury Hotline

SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives Program

www.selfinjury.com

1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)

National Adolescent Suicide Hotline

800-621-4000

Boys Town National Hotline

1-800-448-3000

http://www.eliteskills.com/teen_cutting/hotlines.php

I would like to thank D. J Preston for sharing his story. I'm very honored and, I wish the best for him in life.

~Bella~

A Leap of...Faith?

Picture a 3 story apartment complex, an old rusty fire escape ladder, and a guy. Now picture a guy hanging from an old rusty fire escape ladder at the top of a 3 story building at 4am. I bet you’re thinking that this person is either a thief or someone trying to escape to save their life. We’ll you’re wrong. I was neither of those. Yes, I said “I.”


Its July, 2010. My friend and I had a night of video games and movies at my house. After our fun, I drove her back to her home at 3am. She lived in an apartment complex, if you haven’t figured by now. The front entrance was locked and she forgot her key. We spent an hour calling her roommates that she knew were probably in the building at that time. Nobody answered. She had a fallout with her neighbors after several noise complaints over her 2 months of living in the building. With none of her roommates answering and being on the bad side with her neighbors, calling the complex owners was a last resort. It was a last resort because it would cost her $50 to get a replacement key for the night and she was already behind on bills due to lack of funds and not having a job. She claimed that this scenario happened before and she once resorted to climbing up the fire escape ladder to get into her apartment through her window. To this day, I don’t know if she was serious when she told me that story.


Well here I am, thinking I’m a superhero or something, offering my services to climb up the ladder to get into her room and walk downstairs to unlock the front entrance for her. Oh yea, keep in mind I said “walk downstairs.” This girl stayed at the very top of the building. Now, for those who are close to me, they know that I have a fear of heights. She didn’t know. She wasn’t close to me. I just met her a week ago.


Pause. Stop! Rewind! Eject!!


What in the very southernmost, hottest, darkest, corner of Hades would possess me to jump to great heights (in my case, climb) to do something like this for someone I just met? 
I hadn’t even memorized her last name yet. I can tell you exactly what possessed me to do something like this.


Throughout years of loneliness and self-hate, I created a void in my life. Many times I thought that void could be filled by the companionship of others., especially since I was an only child. To keep a friend or after the thought of me losing a friend, I would go to great lengths to maintain the relationship. I would do things like put myself to the side (physically and unknowingly spiritually) just to keep them happy. And I was always giving, giving, and giving. I didn’t want to see them go away because I only had a couple people that I would call friends come into my life. But they would always depart eventually. We’d either grow apart from each other or move elsewhere. I first had this problem of loneliness during my late preteen and early teenage years. It remained dormant mostly through my late high school and early college years, but it came back with a vengeance by the time I hit 21. When I say “with a vengeance,” I mean panic attacks, depression, and hospital visits. I would cry and shake uncontrollably. But that’s another, more in-depth blog post. Now back to this ladder.


I walk up to the ladder. Its about 10 feet off the ground. I had to jump into the wall beside it and propel myself upward in order to grab it. My legs are dangling, spider webs all in my face, my hands are hurting from the impact of grabbing unto the rusted iron surface of the ladder, and my friend is watching safely in the distance. I pulled myself up 4 steps before I could even get my feet on the ladder.  I now start climbing with a little more ease but my fear of heights is starting to kick in. Talk about the amount of sweat that was streaming down my face, whew! I climb some more and I get to a point where that ladder ends. Now what I have to do is shimmy across a balcony to get to the other side where another ladder allows me to go higher. Now at this point, my fear of heights was starting to fade because the fear of losing my life was much greater. Who knows how unstable that rusty ladder could have been! And let me tell ya, all that James Bond type stuff you see in the movies is not that easy in real life. I was pulling myself up with all my might and I’m definitely glad that wind wasn’t a big factor. 


So I make it to the top just to find out that the window is locked. All that for nothing? Heck no, I ripped the screen open. Yep, yep. I climbed in through the screen, walked down the few flights of stairs, and unlocked the front door entrance for my friend.


Have you obtained something and went to great lengths just to keep it? Then, you find out in the long run that the thing you obtained was not worth going great lengths for? This could be a job, an object of desire, an achievement, or anything. I bet you probably have but you didn’t go as far extreme as I did to keep it. I was doing all of this to fill a void. A void that should’ve been filled with the Holy Spirit and not my own pleasure. I felt that I was going through a never-ending cycle of losing people. I didn’t put my faith in God that He would bring me through a storm that plagued me throughout the majority of my life so far. I brought this despair upon myself for not trusting in Him. Have you ever thought of your own resolutions to problems instead of seeking the Word of God? I thought that this night would be the pivotal moment in my life that I could redeem myself from what I called a failed childhood. I took a greater leap up this ladder than any leap I’ve ever taken toward God. SMH.


I felt low and ashamed the more I thought of that night. I knew it was time to start turning my life around. And you know what the funny thing is? You’re gonna love this, watch. She got pregnant within a week later by some guy.

Unveil the Mask

Click Here For My First NBA Video

I think back to March of 2010. It was during my spring break that some things were hitting me hard. I didn’t know how to break off from the negative feelings I had going on. I guess I wasn’t talking to God enough. I decided to head out in my car. I wanted to go on a drive and get lost again. I filled up my gas tank and told myself that I was going to drive as far as I could, not thinking about where I was going.

I hit the highway and came to a junction. I was either going to circle around the city or head to a bridge that crossed over to Illinois, Alton more specifically. I took the bridge route and stopped at the McDonalds at the first exit. I wasn’t too hungry but I ate a cheeseburger to keep my stomach filled. I didn’t know how long I was going to be driving. This whole area was new to me. I never ventured to this part of the state of Illinois so I didn’t go deep into the roads. I stuck with a road that ran along with the Mississippi river and the small bluffs. I drove north for about an hour just thinking about life and watching the beautiful scenery. I was thinking about the past and when I would finally let it go. I was thinking about the present and how things around me just didn’t seem right. One of my friends kept calling the whole time. I had to have about a dozen missed calls from him. After about an hour and a half of driving, I was getting so annoyed by this dude constantly calling me. I finally picked up.

He told me he wanted to introduce me to some people and that he was sitting outside of my house waiting on me. I started to get mad just because I didn’t like when people would show up to my house uninvited. I told him I was running some errands and didn’t know when I would be back home. He started to complain and stated that the people he wanted to introduce to me were on their way to St. Louis from California. They were already within a half hour from the city and needed directions to my home. My friend gave me the visitors’ numbers to call. By this time, I was furious because I wanted to keep driving and get away from it all. But I didn’t want these peoples’ trip to St. Louis to be a waste so I called them and turned around to head back home. 

I made it home to find them all waiting outside of my house. They introduced themselves outside but by the time we made it inside my house, I had already forgotten their names. They were all producers. They talked to the same talk I would hear from just about everyone in the business. Nothing they told me really stood out but they did carry themselves a little more professionally than the average. They showed me some clips of their work on the internet and I played some of my music for them. They liked what they heard and gave me their contact info. After about an hour they left.

Two months pass and I think nothing of the meeting. They were just guys similar to many I’ve met over the years. I was just used to the process of meeting people, trading contact info, and not having anything big ever happen between us. In mid May, I get this call from an area code I didn’t recognize. It happened to be one of the guys I met that day back in March. He called to tell me how he was impressed by my music and my work ethic. He gave me a proposition. He broke off the ties with his other partners and was currently on his own. One of his jobs was making music for a high school basketball website that profiled players around the country. Somehow, the NBA found out about this website and was impressed by the music they heard in the highlight vids. They decided to present him with a contract for producing music for the NBA for a period of two years. Without a doubt, he took the risk of having the contract looked over by a close friend that studied law and proceeded to sign the contract. The NBA’s response to him was provide two-thousand, three minute songs as soon as possible. Feeling that the amount was virtually impossible for one man to do in a short period of time, he called me to bring me along.

Another one of mine I found on YouTube 

I had nothing going on with my music at the time. I recently broke my ties with old production team also. I lost a few of my contacts in the process. I made a personal commitment not to work with artists that would lead to the impoverishment of Blacks, degrade women, and promote deviant behavior. All of those things limited the amount of people I could work with. Uninspired by my surroundings and staying true to my morals, I didn’t make music like I used to. Maybe one song every two weeks. And by the time I’d start a new song, I’d forget about the last one. I didn’t know why I was making music anymore.

But the NBA news changed everything. I went full force with my music. Since my name wasn’t actually on the contract, I had to work under this guy‘s name. I was also taking a risk because he could’ve easily stolen my music. I couldn’t take any legal action because it was no paper signifying our work together and this guy was stationed out in Indiana. I just went with my guts and gave him some of my trust.  I felt that I didn’t have much to lose and I was spending most of my days inside the house drowning myself with sorrow. I didn’t have any friends to hang with so I thought I might as well do something different with my time.

I made about ten songs a day. It was very draining. Some days I wouldn’t sleep at all. The most that would be in my stomach for twenty four hours would be just a peanut butter sandwich. I didn’t know what my reward would be at the end but I pushed on because I felt I had a new purpose. As the basketball season went into the finals, we watched TV to see if some of our work had been placed yet; nothing. The Lakers won the championship and the season came to a close. We were wondering where our music was going. It wasn’t until a month later that we got a call saying some of our music had been placed for a video featuring John Wall, the number one all-around draft pick. The funny thing is neither me or my new partner had a big interest in sports so we didn’t know who this player was. We were just glad to see how our hard work was paying off.

Around the time we placed our first vid, my partner’s computer crashed and he was unable to make any more music. Afraid that the NBA contract would be terminated because of this, I picked up his workload and worked twice as hard. I continued to supply the music for months so we could keep the ball rolling. I became the sole producer. It was hard physically and emotionally but when we finally got that first check, everything was all worth it. For the first time in both of our lives we had a consistent, lucrative job. We would get paid over a thousand dollars per video, earning enough money help ourselves as well as others close to us.

My questions are: What if I continued to run away? What if I didn’t take any risks. Everything needed to fulfill your destiny is within your reach. If you use what you have, God will multiply your talents and multiply your resources. God wont give you an oak tree, but instead an acorn. You won't realize its a blessing but eventually He will turn the small into large, the natural into the supernatural, etc. Its the people that recognize what they have that will be victorious. There are people in your life ordained to be instrumental. Be careful not to miss out on them.