What Dreams May Come: Part 1

Part 1 in a series on the types of convos that I have with important people in my life. 




Steve: Hey man, I think you mentioned you was working on some indy work or something like that? A movie or something? What do you feel about composing full films/ tv shows? Its still at the beginning stages but I'm thinking about managing or being a agent to 1 composer and get him/her some work, and just take 20% as a standard fee. But I wanna find the right person. But I didn’t know if that was something you was interested in. Let me know your thoughts.

DJ: Sure thing. If you can find me the work, I'm willing to take the opportunity whole-heartedly. Give me some details how you want to structure this whole thing when you have time. Here are a few short films I worked on. I also just finished an independent film, The Swing Set, Tuesday doing music and sound design. And of course I'm still doing music for the NBA.

Steve: OK,  Ima check it. So you understand the business behind composing, like some of the lingo and what not too? Like how Cue Sheet works, what folks will be asking from you, etc.? I know some, and I don't think you'll need to know it all...but I want to know if you'll feel comfortable in handling a big project. Of course, I'll help oversee it as well.

Once I check this, I may send you a copy of a movie without sound and have you do your thing. This would be a demo that would be shown right to the production company most of the work will come from.

I just gotta have someone I trust and is talented because, as always, my name will be on the line. And also, there might be a situation where if you do work on a project you may need to come out here to Cali. Sometimes they want to have a meeting to talk about the movie.

Now if I get you on the job, sure you'll know money is coming in so maybe you can bust that move out here. You should be comfortable to live out here working on 2 movies really...especially for the going rate of composers.


Just like the many important people that come into my life, Steve found me before I even knew who he was. We were first introduced back in early 2007. He had just finished up some acting on MTV, music for a few theatrical releases, and a few movies for a variety of networks including Disney, Spike TV, and the Hallmark Channel. He found out about my old production team and I through media after we successfully landed a hit on the Billboard charts. Steve was originally from St. Louis but had been living in California for the past few years. He sent an email to our manager explaining that he was interested in us and that he wanted to stay affiliated with his original city. Steve was a recording artist and radio DJ out in L.A. From the start, my manager was interested in Steve’s proposition but he never trusted him. This is understandable because there are many deceitful people in the entertainment industry and to make matters worse, I believe our manager was still slightly discouraged from working with others due to a recently ended court battle dealing with industry execs. 


I got to know Steve quite well through the back-and-forth emails we would send. (My manager appointed me as the person who would do much of the email writing and other networking tasks for all of our inquiries). I disliked it so much because it was cumbersome and annoying how he would call me so frequently to do this type of work. He only did this because I was the only reliable producer that picked up my phone on a regular basis and got the job done on time with enthusiasm. What can I say? I hated work but I didn’t want to embarrass the team with lack of professionalism. We had an email account established under our company name but my manager allowed me to send emails under my own email in order to not flood the inbox with music that I would send. As time passed, Steve gave us the opportunity to work as partners on a number of his own projects but the opportunities never fell through. Our manager began to think that Steve was stealing music and lying about the projects that we could be part of.


Long story short, our manager broke ties with Steve. I eventually left my production team a couple years later. It was one day in late 2008 that Steve sent me an email. I hadn’t heard from him in over a year. He asked me if I was still with my old production team and I told him that I wasn’t. He went on to tell me how some music that I did back in 2007 was needed in a new Spike TV movie that was coming out. This was the greatest news I had gotten in a long time. Since then, Steve and I have had opportunities to work with Disney on a couple of occasions. We’ve developed a partnership and he keeps me in the light about many upcoming movies and TV shows that we can work on. 


God can bring people together in what we may sometimes call unusual ways. Really, that’s not even they case. Its all part of His divine plan. Think of it as a puzzle. My music skills linked me to meeting my production partners, which linked us to making a successful team, which linked us to media/print work, which linked us to Steve, which my avid attitude with the industry led me network with Steve regularly, which links me to do cool work with Steve today. Who woulda thought things would work out like this? Who woulda thought that my prayers would be answered in this way?


Jeremiah 33:3 - “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” And let’s not forget Proverbs 3:5 - “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”

16 Random Facts About Me!

Esperanza! (love her)

1) I don't like watchin tv so I'm so outta tune with reality shows, sports, etc. But when I do watch it, I'm mostly lookin at Disney, Nikelodeon, a lil Comedy Central, & Cartoon Network! * And a lot of the specials on the History & Discovery Channel and Nova on PBS* - forgot to add before publishing the note.

2) I love afros! A girl with a curly from is the most attractive thing to me. 

:D

3) I think I'm close to falling totally out of love with mainstream hip-hop. There are some exceptions tho. I can't remember the last time I looked at 106 & Park or tuned in to the local hip-hop radio station. Idk, I guess its just unimpressive to me and I feel the content is way too inappropriate. (Wow, I must be maturing!)

4) Back in October of 2010, my facial hair started growing extra fast! What used to take me a month to grow now grows in a few days!! This must be those grown man hormones kickin in. And I'm gaining weight faster. Come on God, give me some more height too! Lol.

5) I make music for the NBA so when you're looking at a game, on their website, or whatever, think of me :)

6) I've only beat one video game in my whole life! It was Max Payne on my XBox before I sold my console. It took me about 3 years to beat it, haha. I'm an only child and I have little interest in playing games unless someone is with me. I still havent beat Sonic The Hedgehog on my Sega Genesis!!!!! Someone come play with me! LOL

7) As a small kid I had those Forest Gump braces on my legs lol. I was also bow legged too so my mom put me through different procedures to get me to walk straight. Dang I was just all messed up.

8) I was a cutter. Not proud of it but thru my experiences I've been allowed to help people that self harm :D

9) I'm starting to get into Anime and I'm in love with Gantz! This was the 1st time in my life that I've ever got emotionally attached to characters. 

Gantz!

10) Kiss me. I never kissed on the lips. 

11) I found this perfect tree that sat right on the bank of the river and I carved my name on. There was a smooth spot on the bark right at eye level that overlooked the horizon. The third time I came back to it, it was the only tree that frickin fell over! There has to be thousands of trees & it was the only one. Next time I'm gonna do it with someone I love.

One of my favorite spots!

12) I hardly drink anything besides water. I get annoyed with a lot of sweetness so I'm not into juices that much. And I still cant handle soda for real. It aggravates my throat.

13) I had cystic acne for a few years of my life and my face would spontaneously bleed. I still have hyperpigmentation all over my body. If you look real close at my face I try to hide it with lotions and stuff. I have stripes on my legs.  My dad & his twin sister developed vitiligo (that Michael Jackson stuff) in some spots once they got in their 50s. I hope it wont be the same for me! I already got enough goin on, haha.

14) I climbed up a fire escape ladder on 3 story building for someone. Gotta be one of the most dangerous things I've done in my life so far. Loooong story.

15) If we can talk about farting you are a true friend lol. 

16) Give me God, a career, a house, a wife, a family, a friend, & a garden. That's all I need. Anything more is something I want. Like a Mustang GT :D

Those were my 16 random facts. Hope ya like!

Sonic!

'69 Mustang GT

Shelby Mustang GT

Gotta have a garden!

300

Its 3:00am. I look at the clock and find my mind drifting back to a period that took place over a decade ago. It was the year 1999 and I had just enrolled into a military academy. Elementary school was a now a thing of the past. It was time to start a life that was totally different from the preceding one. This was when I, as a lone ranger, would become a leader.

The military fascinated me. I would always hear the elders of my family talk about it  because a lot of them were military veterans. Haha, I remember when I would be at my grandma’s house. Every time she would see the neighborhood kids and young adults act a fool outside, she would always whisper under her breath that they need to be put in military school. I suppose somehow this gave me the notion that if I went to military school I would be respected from not only her, but from others. Persevering through such an academy would show discipline, determination, and endurance. Something that most people couldn’t maintain. And that’s what was gonna make me special. I was 11 years old; overweight, a pushover, bullied, and the list goes on and on. I knew that joining a military academy meant that I would be leaving my friends from elementary school: everything I had. I felt that it was worth it.

The summer before joining the academy I put myself through my own training. I organized my own strict diet, made up my own strenuous calisthenics exercise plans, cut my hair down low, and did my best to prepare myself mentally. I had no clue what this new atmosphere would be like. But when it came to the first day, I couldn’t keep my composure. It became a tradition at my house that my mom would always take my picture on the first day of school. I had one of the biggest frowns on my face that day. This wasn’t the first time though. I believe my smile started to decline at 4th grade. But knowing that I was leaving all of my friends and comfort, it made me even sadder on this day.

So I’m finally a cadet at the academy. This was the first time I ever rode a bus to school so I was nervous. I always sat kinda close to the front to be away from everyone. Most of the kids were in the back of the bus. I didn’t talk to anyone. Eventually, a few people started bothering me. It soon led into being bullied. Pokemon was big at the time and I’d carry some of my cards to school only to get them taken away by these dudes. They used to take my school supplies. I’d also just get hit randomly because they thought it was fun. I never told the bus driver because I felt that they’d only get mad at me and beat me worse when their punishment was over. I also didn’t want anyone hating me because I already didn’t have any friends and I wasn’t good at making friends either. 

So I’d enter school already bruised up and aching on some days. Every morning there would be battalion drills in the courtyard. A lot of yelling, marching, and physical training. We were out there in the hottest and coldest of weather. I just felt so lost among the hundreds of people that were outside. I tried to hide within my Company so I wouldn’t draw attention to myself. I’d get all the way in the back if I could. Once inside the building, the environment always seemed much more stressful to me than the other kids. Everyone would be playing around, getting into trouble, but I took the whole place much more serious. I actually got stressed many times. You know me, the over-analyzer. I made two friends my first year. One of them was a guy I met in band class. He was cool, popular among our class and easy to get along with. The other guy was someone I felt I related to. He was overweight and got teased a lot for that and other things. I believe me and this other guy were his only friends.

I made the rank of Private my first year like the majority of people in my class. We were all basically at the bottom of the pile. None of us had that the authority to do anything. As time passed, I felt that I had to make the best of my new setting. You know those two people that were bullying me on the bus? Well, I started fighting back. Soon we were head-to-head, throwing punches at each other on a regular basis. Everyday I’d have bruises and scars but at least now they’d have some too. I was injuring them just as much as they were injuring me but they stopped eventually. I suppose this was because I became too persistent in fighting back. We even became friends, not close friends, but friends by the end of my first year. I ended up winning the Soaring Eagle Award for being the top cadet of that year for my class.

12 years old now. I pushed myself hard to lose more weight the summer before my second year the academy. I started to develop acne and my voice cracked. My voice became the laughing stock to everyone who knew of me. Frequently, I would get an embarrassing high pitched squeak in my speech (This lasted until I was 15). A lot of people didn’t take me seriously because of this. My old bullies no longer attended the academy but I still had my 2 old friends. Through my exceptional discipline and good grades, I made the rank of Corporal that year (Just one step above being a Private.) Some cadets escalated beyond Corporal and into Sergeant and Staff Sergeant. These people had authority when it came to the morning battalion lineup. 

I began to participate with people during our recess period opposed to just walking around in my lonesome like the previous year. I played basketball in the courtyard on the regular. I participated in this thing called Fight Club to toughen myself up. Some of us boys would congregate in the restroom closest to the cafeteria at lunchtime and would have own boxing matches. We’d get in trouble if caught so we’d hurry to the stalls and pretend like we were using the restroom if the security guard came in. I had a few matches. I never had in fights in my life before coming to this academy. I’d walk away with bruises, looking like I came out of battle at times; bleeding and all. I enjoyed it. I won the Soaring Eagle Award for a second time that year.

By the third year, 13 years old, I started distancing myself a little more. People around me were changing and it seemed like I wasn’t as worthy to hang around them anymore. But through my excellence in my previous years, the academy officials appointed me to Lieutenant Colonel. They said my name on the intercoms throughout the academy and I could here people cheering throughout the halls. I didn’t know many people even knew who I was. And there were some who heckled me because they were jealous of my position. My position was now to lead the battalion. What did that mean? That meant I led the academy. I led the 300-something cadets of the building. My rank made me equal to that of a teacher. The principal was the Commander, the assistant principal was the Colonel, and I was the Lieutenant Colonel. I was so depressed during this time in my life that I didn’t even show a sign of happiness once I heard my name called for the position. I still tried to hide it though. I just sank down in my seat and continued to do whatever school work that I was doing beforehand. My position was to uphold up the rules and get the cadets in order so that required a lot of yelling others. My voice deepened but it still squeaked. I brought order in my voice when I yelled which was something very new to me. Even though I was the highest among cadets, I never used my power like the previous leaders. I’d let some people slide if I saw them acting up in a casual setting and I always waited in line properly during the morning metal detector line. Some leaders in the past abused their authority by walking over others. Some held personal vendettas that they acted upon once achieving higher rank. Me, I didn’t care for all that stuff. The first-year cadets looked up to me like I was so great. They all aspired to be where I was. The teachers would talk about me being a great role model. I just saw myself still as a shy guy that wanted to make more friends and just have a normal school experience. Once again, I won the Soaring Eagle Award that year making me the only person in the decades of history of the school to achieve the award all 3 years.

I accumulated dozens of medals, trophies, and plaques during my time at the academy. I never thought that going into the academy as a shy preteen that I would finish my tenure the way I did.  It shows you that God doesn’t necessarily call the qualified, but that He qualifies the called. He builds a path for the chosen. I had to leave the little comfort that I had in elementary school in order for God to build my character in order to lead. I came in those doors for the first time feeling like a lost cause. I never knew that I would be the best leader the school has ever seen. I didn’t act like, look like, or sound like the typical person you would look for in that position. But I was in that position. I went from hiding in the battalion to standing on the pedestal to lead the very thing I used to hide from. I went from being a pushover to pushing people into order. Don’t ever let the world bring you doubt because of the way you look, act, or sound. My story won’t line up with your life but I know that you can pull something from my experiences and apply it to your life. Continue to push on because God has a plan for you.

And I know one day I will lead again…

Self-Harm; story of a cutter (my story on KeepUpBella.blogspot.com)

Depression is hard to live with. But so is self-loathe. So what happens when depression+ self-loathe turns into self-harm?

For D.J Preston,

this nightmare was real. He's been kind enough to share his story with me and all of you blogsters out there.

*Me "Do tell me how life was treating you?"

*D.J Preston-"I’m 22 years old now and its been 7 years since I’ve put a knife to my arm. Its been seven years since the blood that trickled down my arm competed with the blood that flowed down my face. It was like all of my emotions were being poured out with my blood because I didn’t know how to release them any other way. I had cystic acne. My face would spontaneously bleed. The scars on my left arm were just as great as the ones that were on my face. I was put on a controversial drug called Accutane in 2004, when I was 14. This was to cure me of my cystic acne. I signed this waiver and was given large doses of the drug. This was the first time I heard of any drug coming with a small booklet of side effects. Printed around the pill bottle and booklet was a warning about death being the number one side effect. The dermatologist never said anything about it out loud. I think she was more enthused about making a sale because the drug was very expensive. Apparently, the drug was known to cause a chemical imbalance in the brain. The booklet that came with the drug said that some users became depressed and ultimately committed suicide while using it. I didn’t care. I wanted to be cured. Seeing scars and blood streaming down my face was a horrific sight to me and it was getting difficult to hide it from others. I felt like a monster. I knew I was already depressed by the time I took the drug, but to this day, I’m not sure if the drug sent me beyond the depression I already had and made me start cutting. How people bullied me in my preteen years and how I couldn’t connect with people well made me feel alone. The fact that I would go home to an empty house everyday didn’t help either. It did however make cutting much easier for me to do. I was one of those people that had an imaginary friend for a while. I used my imagination a lot to keep myself occupied because I didn’t have cable tv, internet, nor many video games. It was actually quite fun at times though. In the midst of a lot of solitary time, I started to develop a different way of thinking. I thought of ways to change myself so I could be accepted by others. I was overweight so I figured by losing weight, people would like me more. I went to great lengths to drop the pounds. On some days, I would just eat one thing: a sandwich. Some days I wouldn’t eat anything at all. I’d exercise at least twice a day for a few hours. The consequences of doing this made me have very dark circles around my eyes, long periods of drowsiness, and I’d have the most horrible headaches for weeks at a time. The headaches were so bad that it was hard to walk or open one of my eyes. My body ached all the time but my stomach was the worst. Every blue moon, I would get this excruciating pain in my stomach that would come about every 30 seconds. This would last for over a week then it would go away. This has happened about 3 times in my life so far. I started going to a military academy by age 11. The environment became so stressful to me that I would only sleep just for a few hours. Before going off to class on some mornings I would stare out of my window before sunrise. It was just something great about staring at the peaceful clouds scattered across the dark blue sky. I wished I had peace like that. This is when I was starting to love nature. Being outside in solitude brought me comfort because I could feel God’s presence. Its hard to explain but once I was engulfed in sunshine, I didn’t feel alone anymore.

 

During the ages of 12, 13, and 14, I became very skinny. But the over-exercising didn’t stop there. I did make a few friends during those years but we departed for various reasons. They’d either grow apart from me or relocate. I started to have anxiety attacks for the first time at 14 and that’s when the cutting began. The first few times I was afraid to do it. The very first time I saw blood come out of my arms was scary. I didn’t know if it was going to stop bleeding. It eventually did. As time passed, cutting became easier to do. Instead of slowly digging into my arm, I’d slash it fast and didn’t care where on my arm that I had cut. I began experimenting with cutting around my wrist a couple times. I didn’t want to die. I did it for a rush, something new. I had a dozen scars on the inner part of my left arm. Since I didn’t hang around people much, was an only child, and my mom was gone a lot, nobody ever saw the scars. I’m grateful now that I never struck a nerve or caught an infection. I used a long kitchen knife. I never even thought about the types of bacteria that could’ve been on the blade. It was definitely a knife for cutting raw meat. People knew something was bothering me deep within. My eyes always told my story. There would either be a long-lasting scowl on my face or a frown. I never noticed it but others would always point it out. Maybe when I saw myself in the mirror I would get more self-conscious and would immediately straighten my face. Who knows? I just never saw myself like that. Although I hardly looked in mirrors either because I hated the way I looked. For instance, after washing my face, I would instantly sink my face in the towel because I didn’t want to look into the mirror right in front of me. Sometimes I’d see blood on the towel. I didn’t take pictures or appear in videos. I have little captured memories of my teenage years. Tired from the stress of going to a military oriented school, I convinced my mom to get me transferred to a regular school by my sophomore year. One day I decided to bring my knife to school. I hid it deep within one of my binders that were inside of my book bag. I was confident that the security guard wouldn’t find it while checking my things because she’d normally move along fast to get to all of the rushing morning entrants. I kept the knife in my book bag throughout my classes. During lunch, I went to my usual spot: the balcony on the second floor. I’d sit there alone and reflect on things while staring out of the window. On this particular day, my friend Tab decided to join me sitting there. After talking briefly, I got the courage to show her the scars on my left arm that were hidden beneath my long sleeve shirt. She immediately stood on her feet and cried out to God. I was very surprised by her reaction because I never saw that side of her before. She wasn’t a religious person. Tab asked me if I had the knife with me. I showed it to her and she broke down. When the school day was over and everyone was heading out the building, I saw a small group standing at the exit door. It was my friend Tab, my 3 other friends that I met through her, and a faculty member. The faculty member was actually the school counselor whom I never met before. She escorted me into her office. I saw the sad faces of my 4 friends before she closed the door. When I sat down she questioned me about having a knife. I hesitated to reveal it because I knew bringing a knife of that caliber would result in an expulsion. After staring at the floor for a while, I got the guts to answer truthfully. She replied saying that she already knew. I realized that my friends gave her my story. I thought that from this point the course of our convo would be about what legal consequences were ahead of me, but instead, she gave me advice about depression. The counselor talked about how her daughter was taking anti-depressants and was seeking therapy. She wanted me to do the same. I never did because I didn’t believe pills or therapy sessions could cure me. I instead suppressed my feelings because the things I were doing and ways I were feeling weren’t brought up much in the Black community. I didn’t want to feel like I was even more of an outsider by speaking about them. As of matter of fact, I would even hear people laugh about such techniques to cure depression. Another reason why I kept quiet was because when I researched everything I was going through on the internet, there was nothing but stories of White females. It was embarrassing and emasculating because I knew people would judge me harshly from this. Its like the whole world saw these issues based on one demographic. A Black dude from the hood had to have been the most unlikely person to go through these things. This would be my first and last meeting with the counselor. I’ve always had a high GPA in schools until I sank into sorrow. I nearly had straight As every year. This new school put me out after flunking all of my classes except two. I was kept from auditorium sessions and field trips for having several Fs at this school. Others that had low grades like me were put in a room toward the back of the school. I used this time to do work, draw, write poetry, and write stories. I actually enjoyed it because it reminded me of the things I used to do as a small child. Only one other high school in my region accepted me after my poor grades. After transferring, my depression became dormant. I stopped cutting by age 16. I ended up graduating high school on time by going to multiple other places for night school and summer school. This was to make up for my failed classes. I still kept to myself. I spent my lunches at the library or in the band room. I never wanted to go the cafeteria because I didn’t like being around large groups. I figured the more people I was around, the more likely it would be for me to run into ridicule. This mindframe would eventually lead me to avoiding large groups of people wherever I went. At church, I became an usher so I wouldn’t have to be part of the congregation. I knew that the same type of people I dealt with at school were also in the church. I eventually worked in the sound booth by myself so I could be in total isolation. After a year from doing that, I stopped going altogether. My church became very divided anyway after scandal and our pastor left. I remember attending a church meeting and it was sad to see the people arguing back and forth like madmen. I lost the foundation I had as a child.

 

After all the bullying, exclusion, & people departing from me, I wanted to be accepted again. When the cutting stopped, the mentality of self harm only manifested in other things. I no longer knew how to channel my anger so anxiety attacks began again at age 20. It was mostly at home. I found myself shaking very hard, jumping out of my seat in anger, having dozens of thoughts per second, and many sleepless nights to say the least. To be accepted, I would give more than I would normally give and be of service to people more than I would do for myself. My final breaking point was when I found myself hanging on a 3 story apartment complex rooftop, on a fire escape ladder, trying to break in a friends apartment to get her back inside. I could’ve died. This was a prime example of the risks I would take to for people to like me. There’s way more to the story on my own blog. Cutting was something I did to channel my anger: mostly the angry feelings I had toward myself. I let the words and actions from others make me hate myself. I hated the way I thought. I hated the way I looked. I hated how I had very little common with the people around me. And they taunted me because of it. The taunting wasn’t just from people I was forced to associate with at school, it was also from strangers at other public places. At 21, I finally went to a doctor about it and he said I had ADHD. He gave me months worth of capsules of Straterra. This time I didn’t take the medication because I knew my bond with God was strong enough to get me through my situation. And indeed it did prevail. Accutane was pulled from the market in 2009. It was removed because of the amount of money they were having to spend to defend themselves from claims that Accutane caused patients to develop Crohn‘s Disease. There is speculation that Roche removed Accutane because they feared new studies would show a causal relationship between Accutane and depression/suicide. Different law firms have created commercials reach those who want to place a lawsuit against the company.

 

This was my past and I’ve changed my life around at 22 by getting to know God better. He is truly all that I need. I know that there are people that will still judge me to this day because of everything I’ve done. Some of the same people that tell me to leave it in the past often bring up my past and use it against me. To this day, I still get judged by the way I look. Its not so much in the context of beauty, but in the context of how I don’t look like the person they expect to see based on my character and experiences. I’m used to it now. All of my arm scars have cleared and most of the scars on my face are gone. No pictures, no videos. What I have left is memories in my head that I want to tell my story with. I want to tell my story so that those who are like me will know that they’re not alone."

*Me-"Wow...that is, so deep. Made me teary eyed.

Well, you've definitely been through a lot! And I'm terribly sorry that you've had to go through it all. But, I have a question if I may ask. You're mother, did she ever notice anything? Try and comfort you? And, what about ur father? Was he ever in the picture?"

*D. J Preston- "My mom almost found out when she saw part of my arm one day. I told her it was from accidentally scratching my arm up on a fence. I revealed the truth to her just two weeks ago though. I think she's still letting the idea settle in her head but she took it well. My dad was an alcoholic and used to hit my mom. They split when I was 5."

*Me-"Oh dear.

I'm sorry...What about your friends? Did they ever notice anything else? Like, did they ever confront you again?"

*D. J Preston-"Its ok. Once I left the school that put me out, my buds and I grew apart. They probably questioned me a few more times but I can't remember since it was so long ago. I ran into Tab a few times since then, but we never talk about anything that happened sophomore year. I think its kinda embarrassing for both of us."

*Me-"Well, also shocking.

And ur life now, how has life been treating you now?"

*D. J Preston-"Thanks for asking! :) Life has been good. I still struggle with loneliness and irrelevance sometimes but its nothing like it used to be. It helps when I talk to God or go out on my own. I started taking myself out to dinner and going to different events. I'm finishing up college and looking forward to do some traveling."

*Me-"That sounds good

Is there anything you'd like the readers to know?"

*D. J Preston-" Yes. I believe everything happens for a reason. You wont have a testimony if you don't first go through the test. You wont have a message if you first don't go through the mess. I believe my hurt and pain helped me not become a product of my environment. I look at some of the people that bullied and taunted me and today they are a mess. Its ironic because they have so many issues and problems. Also, a great amount of the time I was alone I fell in love with composing songs. I've had opportunities to work with Disney on the Hannah Montana series, Spike TV, and I'm currently a composer for the NBA (National Basketball Association). I do music for their website and commercials. I just scored my first independent film last month. I wouldn't have met all the great people and obtain these jobs if I didn't go through the pain of my childhood. "

*Me-"That sounds so great. Your becoming famously known.

The film, what's the name of it?"

*D. J Preston-"Thank you. Its called The Swing Set. Its not a big release but I know one day I'll work my way up to that level of film. I'm not all about fame though. If the fame comes, I want people to just be inspired by my story. I'm never a braggart and into much self-indulgence. I even got rid of my website that I started, my MySpace, and my Facebook fan page. I can't take credit for anything that God has done for me. God will send for the right people to hear my message. I don't have to become a product of pop-culture to do so but if that's His plan, I'm down for it. I just want to live my life how anyone else would. Eventually I will have a more stable career, a new home, a wife, children, and a garden. Gotta have the garden. I love nature haha."

*Me-"Aw, that's so sweet.

Sounds like you have a good life now. After all you've went through, you deserve it.

Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

*D. J Preston-"Yes. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be part of your blog!"

*Me- "Well, actually thank YOU for sharing such a deep, moving story. I wouldn't be able to share mine without freaking out.

So thank you, means a lot to me and my readers."--

D. J Preston has been through hell and back. But with the help of God, managed to find the light within the dark. I don't think I've ever read or heard a story such as this one. A story that ends with the help of God. It's a true miracle and shows proof that all is possible, with the help of God Himself.

If you or anyone you know self-harms, is depressed, or thinking about suicide, I urge you to PLEASE either contact your local hospital, call 911, or contact the suicide prevention hotline.

Self-Injury Hotline

SAFE (Self Abuse Finally Ends) Alternatives Program

www.selfinjury.com

1-800-DONT CUT (1-800-366-8288)

National Adolescent Suicide Hotline

800-621-4000

Boys Town National Hotline

1-800-448-3000

http://www.eliteskills.com/teen_cutting/hotlines.php

I would like to thank D. J Preston for sharing his story. I'm very honored and, I wish the best for him in life.

~Bella~

Steps

God made someone influential in the early part of my music career in 2004. In October 2010, that person was killed.


I was a junior in high school. I had just overcome much of my depression and was in a new school now after flunking out of the last one. As quiet as I was back in high school, its almost hard to imagine that I’d meet anyone that would become an essential part of my life beyond a school setting. I can’t remember exactly how this person and I met, but our introduction to each other must’ve  been the product of hearsay. Either I heard he made beats then eventually approached him, or, he heard about me (yea right) and he came to me. OK, yea, I must’ve introduced myself to him one day. We never had any classes together and he was a grade under me. I didn’t congregate with others in the cafeteria and was very much an introvert…so…let’s just stick with the scenario of me walking up to him in a hallway one day and telling him about what I do.


Well, from that point we exchanged contact information. One day after school ended, I decided to catch the bus with him back to his house. I’d normally catch the bus to my grandma’s house but since they both stayed on the Westside, going to my buds house wasn’t too far out of the way. When we made it to his house, he pointed out an old Porsche that was sitting at the side of his house. It belonged to a family member but he was telling me that one day it would be his. I started to think to myself, “This guy’s peoples must have money. I bet he has all type of music equipment and software on the inside.” Little to my surprise, I was right. We walked up to the third floor, pass the library (yes I said “library), and into his room. We’re straight in the hood and this dude has a mini library in his house. That’s just unheard of! But anyway, we get into his room and he has a small studio set up in it. It was totally smashing the little digital recorder and microphone I had back at home. He showed me his microphone, computer, and if I can remember correctly, a mixer. There was tons of other stuff too. But check this: dude had a frickin elevator in his room! It didn’t work anymore but still…still! He talked about having Pro Tools (the professional, standard program of recording) and I didn’t even know what the heck that was back then. I just played along like I knew what he was talking about. I didn’t want to seem too far behind his knowledge that he’d start to lose respect for me or the beats I was about to play for him.


So I played him a couple of my beats that I burned to CD. I made the beats on my discontinued Optimus keyboard synthesizer that I owned. Thinking back now, those beats were so crappy but my level wasn’t so far behind his that he wasn’t impressed. I just did the best I could with what I had. He played me some of his beats and I thought that they were so much better than mine. He said that he used Fruity Loops. I had the same program but I didn’t make beats on it too much because I wasn’t satisfied with the stock instruments. I told him about this and he introduced me to soundfonts (basically a collection of better quality instruments that you could use inside the Fruity Loops program). He gave me some and I fell in love with making music on the computer. I put away my keyboard for good and made beats strictly on the computer. The quality of instruments seemed realistic although today they wouldn’t stand a chance compared to what’s offered. Two years later, one of the very beats I produced after getting the soundfonts made it to a national recording artist’s album. Please don’t ask for the artist or the song. Not really trying to have that part of my resume anymore, haha. But if you can find out, I’ll give you a reward. A cookie maybe.


But back to all seriousness, it was tragic news hearing that my bud was killed in late 2010. He was shot right at his house. We talked about a possible collab years ago but it never happened. I wonder how he felt after he found out I was succeeding in my music and his career hadn’t come too far off the ground. This also makes me think of the people in my past that helped me get to where I am today and how I surpassed their level. Its not like I never attempted to pull them up with me. If you know me, you know that I’m a giver, a servant, a helper. I know that they’re currently where they are because that’s the way God wanted it to be. No matter how much I tried to bring people with me, no matter how hard I wanted to push them, God was the one who made the final decision if they were to go with me.


Some friends are like barricades. Some friends are like building blocks. Some friends are like stepping stones. But my bud here was a stepping stone in an even more positive way. Not only did I learn from him, he was the stone I put my foot on to get me higher. A stone that was like solid ground: a foundation. The foundation that put me on a newer level in my career as a music producer. Without him being in my life, my story could’ve taken an alternate course. God used him to ultimately get me to where I am today. And I’m still going…

 

NORTH ST. LOUIS, MO (KTVI-FOX2now.com) — A plea for justice from the family of a young man gunned down behind his father's home. Mourners attended a candlelight vigil Monday night for the victim. There are no answers and no leads. Agassi Swisher, 21, was shot and killed at the edge of his father's driveway. Those who loved him stood by candlelight chanting his name to the heavens. Nearly 100 people attended the vigil at the very spot where he was murdered last Monday.

His father says he heard three shots that night and instantly knew his son was in trouble. Harvey Swisher found his Agassi dead on the concrete behind his home near the intersection of Page and Union.

Agassi Swisher was getting ready to release a hip hop album. He was also getting ready to be a father. His baby girl is coming on the very day Agassi was laid to rest. 

His mom Dina Howard said," He was so excited, he talked about it all the time. He couldn't wait to hold her finger and hold her. This wasn't supposed to happen." His uncle, Charles Howard, said, "If you did this and you see me turn yourself in that is the best thing you can do because god is going to hunt you for days."

The Swisher family believes Agassi was targeted but don't know why anyone would try to harm him. 

Pure? Nahhh

If I were to tell you of a man whose never been in a relationship, has yet to have a romantic date, is a virgin, doesn’t display affection often, refused to initiate sexual convos all but once, and has never kissed, would you believe that he really existed? Now let’s up the ante: What if this person was 22, from the hood but doesn’t engage in the likelihood of the stereotypes, blah, blah, blah. Well let me stop talking about myself. Yea, yea. Go ahead and pick up your jaw. Yes I said, “myself,” as in “me,” “moi,” DJ. 


Well there you have it. People like me do exist. When I told one of my female friends, Jojo, she was amazed.


“Im proud of u cuz u display the rare number of males that chose not to experience actual sexual involvement. That  amazes me u really take it all serious and aint nuthin wrong with that. Its a purifying feeling though for ur spirit im sure. Its very very rare to find any male that has never done anything at all.”


Ok, hold up Jojo. Before you go off calling me “pure” or any derivative like the other 3 people I’ve told (and now you all), there was an issue I struggled with until I got more educated in the Word last year. You ready for it? Masturbation.


1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 hit me like a brick. Years before running into this passage, I considered others’ arguments like, “Its not specifically written in the Bible,” or, “Onan was only punished because by spilling his seed, he orchestrated an uncustomary act in refusing to produce offspring for his deceased brother.” Well, both of these arguments may be true, but God still wants us to refrain from sexual immorality and to also learn to control our own body in a holy and honorable manner. Intercourse, masturbation, and lust fall under immoralities. 


“Well DJ, I’m not imagining anyone in my head while I’m doing it.”


You’re still wrong because you’re lusting after a sacred act that should be done between a husband and wife. Check this: would you do it if you saw God sitting right next you? Well He really is, being that He is ubiquitous. My issue first started when I was 14. I didn’t even want to do it but just hearing about it so much in school & tv  got me interested. Now, I didn’t have cable at home until I went off to college at 18. I didn’t have a working radio. I didn’t even have the internet at home until I was 15 and all the lustful things that I didn’t see on tv or hear on the radio were definitely there on the computer. Music videos, song lyrics, etc. Talk about fuel to the fire. It wasn’t until I got surrounded by a lot of these worldly things that I found myself losing self-control. 


So that’s the brief explanation of why I’m not as pure as some may think I am. The issue stated above is no longer an issue so you don’t have to worry about that. But I still have yet to be in a relationship and experience many “firsts” including kissing. And even if I do get into a relationship and still don’t do it, don’t fret. I love you so much as to treat you with a respect, grace, and specialty beyond others in accordance with God.

Heart (Short Poem)

Your heart has been softened that you may not disqualify me, my angel.
God has sent you to me with imperfections, with pain, but indeed you were sent from God.
I have not shared a kiss with a woman on this earth. I have not given any a piece of me that belongs to God-You-Me, as one. 
A kiss.
My lips have not touched another’s but I will not say that the words that come from them have not touched the hearts of many.
They passed me by but you have granted me grace. For I didn’t look, sound, or feel like the one they wanted.
Nor did I find my way into your liking at first glance. But your heart has shifted. 
Our marriage didn’t start at the alter, but when we both were given the breath of life.
That is where our vows began. And I kept them. I believed in you as you did with me.
Thank you.

Worth A Thousand Words

Just wanted to do a quick post.


While I was reading my Bible last night, I let my computer go through a file deletion process to free up space. I came across 3 hard drive backup folders that my computer must’ve created over time that were taking up the majority of my memory. I decided to get rid of them because I had nothing of value on this computer. Minutes pass and suddenly I heard an error noise. Apparently there was something my computer didn’t want to delete so it stopped the whole process. As I navigated through the backup folders to see what it was, I came across some familiar looking folder names. Folders I created years ago and had forgotten. I found a few folders that contained pictures that I saved. Inside one of them was the only picture I kept from my whole high school student tenure.


I went to several high schools because of depression and the affects of it. I kept mostly to myself and didn’t get involved with extra-curricular activities. I stayed away from cafeterias and auditorium sessions because I didn’t want to be around people. I even caught the bus in desolate places to avoid the kids that used to taunt me on the street. I didn’t take any pictures with the people I befriended in school or outside of school. I let my depression take control of my life and starting cutting at age 15. I went from fat to being very underweight due to over exercising and starving myself, sometimes eating just one sandwich per day. My cystic acne made me embarrassed to even be seen because my face would spontaneously bleed and the scars and bumps looked bad. This has to be one of the rarest pictures of me.


By the time I took this pic, much of my depression was dormant. It was during the last month of my senior year in high school in May 2006. My acne had mostly cleared up after years of taking the controversial drug Accutane. I weighed about 155 pounds, the highest I had ever been in my life to date. It was after the only dance I had went to all throughout high school; the senior prom. I went alone but I wasn’t bothered too much by it. I was playing at my last high school band concert. 


I boldly stand now with a renewed spirit in Christ that will never be put in the hands of man again. 2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!